Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
