Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
