Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
