he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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