Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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