I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
