I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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