I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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