I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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