just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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