I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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