nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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