If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
