I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
