i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
