Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
