Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
