I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
