I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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