if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
