I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
