True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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