Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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