Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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