Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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