Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
