she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
