there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
