I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
