i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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