before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
