I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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