i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
