im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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