Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
