The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
