he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
