I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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