The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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