There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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