I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
