my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
