think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
