also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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