True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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