I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry about my life...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
