mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
