I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
