batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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