I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
