pop tarts are not kleenex
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
