I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We had sex on a dog bed..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
