I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
