That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
