I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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