I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
