I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
