Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
