if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
