i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
