pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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